you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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