Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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