Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
