Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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