i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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