I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
