Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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