If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
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If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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