I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire