When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
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The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
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Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again