Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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