she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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