You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
