i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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