I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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