Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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