My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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