So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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