im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
