i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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