Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
