Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
