Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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