Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
