You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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