I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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