Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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