Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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