stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
