he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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