God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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