woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
