I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
