this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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