Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
