went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
