Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
