Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
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