omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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