atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
