...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
