I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
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