I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
