I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
