I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
