Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
