I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
