well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
