'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
