I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
