nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
