Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
