i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
