Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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