Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
